4 AM

Well its 4 AM and I cannot sleep, which is wierd. If you knew me you know that not sleeping is very odd for me. Whenever I wake up early in the mornings like this all I can do is reflect on the past. Past friendships, mistakes and so on. There was someone this morning I thought I should write and apologize too for being an idiot to, but the more I thought about it the more I'm not sure it really affected them so I decided to leave well enough alone. The big things I miss in these early hours are friends. Life has always seemed to be a constent cycle of me making really close friends and then losing all of them. It becomes somewhat depressing, but I wonder sometimes if God uses that to get us back on track or maybe it's just part of most people's life venture. There are some friends I really miss and would like to see again, but life just never seems to work like that. That's part of why I really miss college. They were all there just a dorm or two away and you were always free to see them. Vacation to do such a thing just meant skipping a class. I kind of wonder if heaven is going to be kind of like giong back to college. All of my friends are there and there is ample time to visit although on a side note I still think we will have work in heaven. Not hard labor just simple jobs, because God gave Adam work in the garden and said it was good for him. Well for those of you who are my friends and read this I miss you very much. I'm just waiting for life to take it's next turn which I think that I am ready for, but I am afraid it may never happen. I have been longing for sometime to get back into the church, but sometimes I feel as though they don't really want me back. I have no reason to feel that way I just do. I was contacted this week by one of the students I used to work with at the church and it brought a lot of emotions back. I had forgotten what it felt like to help someone and the joy that brought. It reminded me that I can make an impact in someones life. I think too often we view life as a list of accomplishments we have done. I have always seen it though as a journey of lives that we have touched or affected or been affected by. There are some friends who have severly changed my life and some who have simply helped me smile but each has been of great importance in my lifes journey. Right now I feel somewhat like I'm hitchhiking down lifes road waiting for the right person to pick me up but I've forgotten to continue walking towards my goal in the mean time. I hiope that when all is said and done and I reach my destination that I can look back at highway of exits and entrance ramps and realize that the path I took was well chosen and impacted those I passed by.